Hmmm... been a long time since i've written.

I miss everyone terribly. Colin came to visit for a week and a half which helped the isolation but i still need to get a real life. I learned how to play poker and how to seriously overstimulate myself using candy, movies, poker, cigarettes and lots of music. This makes me tired, or at least feel like i've done something noteworthy. Like if i do a thousand useless things at once instead of one crucial thing, i might feel productive. But i don't.

I am riding the curveball. My soul is in shock at the utter stability of my life. The spirits see it and are bored with me, too. So they throw the water down and watch me slide.
Here's the slide, watch the leg:

mom got laid off. again.
No, i am not re-posting an entry from a few years or months ago. It's really happened to her again. The corporate world will burn in my next life.

Rob still doesn't have a job. Nor does my aunt. I am again, the only person in my family that has a job. I get paid freakin $8 an hour. But i'm not making the same mistake i did last time. No one will climb on my back anymore. I will not support the weight of anyone who weighs equal or less than I. I draw the line now.

Upped my dosage of whatever lovely meds i'm on. The dark has finally caught up on me after i thought i'd lost it. I can't believe the amounts of people who are on anti-depressants, and wonder if they all feel it like i do. Not the meds, but the sickness. The dark that won't go away, if its really that bad for everyone, even worse. More and more these days i wonder just how deep the sad capacity is for every human being i make eye contact. Like the girl who checked me out at the makeup store... all words were mechanical, how are you i am fine did you find what you needed that'll be 32.46 and thank you goodbye. But i wondered whats the hardest this girl has ever cried, and if she's ever wanted to die. I didn't want to ask her because everyone wants to seem fine to everyone else, so odds are she'd lie. So i took my moisturizer and smiled and said thank you, even though i was visualizing her puffy red face crying into a toilet bowl. Yeah.. i needed more meds.

It's strange to be isolated with a very few people. Rob and I are together for the majority of the time, never without one another. If i'm not with him, i'm with my mother. if my mother's not with me, she's with my aunt. Quiet and sunshine are my favorite things now. Aloneness, talking to someone on the phone, able to scratch my ass with abandon.

Ohhhhh but soon the spirits of the swamp will rise again. I'm coming to Houston again this friday. I hope Krista will be there because i miss her a lot, actually. I hope Alice will too. I just want to see the ones i love again, but this time with no expectation or plans. Quietly happy- sunburned hearts.